It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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