woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
