So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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