booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
