...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
