Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
