Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize