hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
