is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
