found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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