I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
