I'm laying in your front yard are you home
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize