I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
