i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
