eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
