Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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