Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
