i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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