Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
