my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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