hell yes lets make some ravioli
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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