the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
