Swine flu. Run for my life!
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
