The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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