Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You ruined the universe
Couch. On fire.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
