Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
