so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
