I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
