Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize