i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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