smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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