listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
