It's Friday. Sex?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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