Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Randomize
