I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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