3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
