Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
