she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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