i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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