Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
so much tequila, so little girl.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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