We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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