I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
