he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
