giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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