I just threw up on my dentist
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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