It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
im calling her cock vulture from now on
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
40s are totally the cure
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
