Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
pop tarts are not kleenex
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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