i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize