I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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