I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
