not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
