You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
