Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize