Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just blew my weed a kiss
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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