My first STD was from a foam party
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
