shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
