i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
