she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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