found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
