I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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