she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
