I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
