People in love make me want to vomit
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
