She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
