Me too!
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
i think my cat just said my name.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
