wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
