Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
