im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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